Answer to the following email of a 50 yrs old gentleman: "Dear Thekla
I have a general question which you may wish to address and which may be of interest to your viewers. It’s the question of how you know when a psychotherapy has worked. That may seem like a silly question, but let me explain why I ask, and I’m guessing that lots of people wonder the same thing.
I am currently undergoing psychotherapy following a break-up, which was the result of a form of infidelity on my part. It has been a desperately sad time, both for me and for my former girlfriend. It has been heartbreak in almost a literal sense – in the three or four weeks since we split up, I have opened up parts of my heart and mind which had been unexposed for many years. Much of this is the result of the trauma, and of some of the things my girlfriend said to me the night we broke up, and the couple of times we’ve spoken since, and the result, too, of me seeking help.
My concern is that I will go too fast and not get to the bottom of things, and that is the reason for my question. And there are two reasons why I have that concern.
First: three years ago, after another breakup, I had a few sessions with a psychotherapist. I was working on questions of emotional dependency – I find it so so difficult to let people (and things) leave my life. I took years to separate fully from my first wife, and I still occasionally get in contact with old flames or flirts from ten years ago. Or… I did (I’ll come back to that). And so I worked on that with the therapist. I wasn’t entirely convinced by her technique, but persisted for about 6 ou 7 sessions. And then… I met someone wonderful, who made me happy, and I stopped the psychotherapy – I felt good, why continue?
Second: after this recent breakup, I began working with another therapist, and things have gone very fast. I have been able to clear out all my past contacts – just deleted everything. And it felt good, and I don’t miss them. No temptation to go back (is that the effectiveness of the previous therapy, or the result of the current trauma? – I don’t know). I had a real issue with pornography – since my breakup, I’ve practically not touched it. I needed some space for myself – I’ve joined a gym, I go pretty much every day. I had (have) masculinity issues, body issues, but in the gym I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I spend all day digging through my mind, and I find answers and new questions and new answers.
In short, I feel that I am sprinting. I feel endless sadness for the hurt I have caused, but I feel that I am on a good path and that I am running along it. This is in phase with my temperament – I’m a bit impulsive and I like things to go fast. And my concern is that I will feel too good, too soon, and that I might stop before I am REALLY better. And since that is the objective, and the only way of providing happiness again to the person I have hurt, it’s the most important question in my life right now. So, in short: how do I know, how does anyone know, when they are better?
Thanks, Thekla, for the time you take, if only to read this.
Wish you the Best"
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