Do you think it's wrong to be happy if your addict is suffering? Several years ago, one of my sons was DEEP in active addiction... and experiencing all of the horrors that comes along with that... including homelessness, frequent arrests, and the death of close friends.
I had reached the point of hopelessness as well as helplessness... and I didn’t see any way that his situation would end in any way other than tragedy.
Because my husband is no longer alive to talk things through with, I felt like I needed to have a conversation with someone in my husband’s family...
Someone who not only understood the hell I was living in, but also understood my son’s hell. So I called my husband’s uncle who has roughly 30 years in recovery.
After explaining the situation and telling him that my son had called me earlier that day to make sure I knew that all of his problems were my fault…
My uncle said, “You know this isn’t your fault, right? But even if it was... even if you are the one who messed his life up… it is still HIS responsibility to fix it. It’s his life… it’s his responsibility to do whatever it takes to fix it.”
I can’t begin to describe the shift that took place in me as he said that. That was the day changed everything for me and my sons.
So let me ask you… Who’s responsible for your happiness and your quality of life? Are you waiting for someone or something else to change so your life can be better?
I spent years begging and pleading… manipulating and trying to coerce my sons into getting clean so I could finally be happy and experience some peace in my life.
I thought as long as they stayed in active addiction, I had to stay just as miserable as they were.
When they went to rehab, I was happy. When they relapsed, I was distraught again.
My happiness was directly tied to someone else’s behavior... actually 2 someone else’s… and that is an incredibly unhealthy and horrible way to live!
Once I realized it was okay for me to be happy even if my sons weren’t… once I realized that I, alone, was responsible for my quality of life… just as they were responsible for theirs… everything changed.
Do you think like I did… that the only way you can be happy is if a situation or someone else changes?
Do you feel it’s wrong to be happy if someone you love is lost to addiction or suffering in some other way?
Let’s go back to the flu analogy again…
If you’re sick with the flu and someone else catches it from you and gets really sick, does their being miserable help you feel better?
No, of course not! Someone else feeling awful doesn’t help you feel better. And I’m guessing you might actually feel worse because now you also feel guilty for giving them the flu.
The same thing happens when we allow ourselves to get sucked down into the depths of hell because we love an addict.
I hear people say all the time, “The addict doesn’t care about anyone but themselves,” or “They don’t care how much they hurt you.”
In my experience, that’s not true. They do care! And the more we project our misery out into the world and onto them it only compounds the guilt and shame they’re already carrying around.
So if you think you need to stay miserable and unhappy because someone you care about is miserable and unhappy… please rethink that logic and give yourself permission to make changes in your life.
As my uncle said, we are all responsible for our own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health... our wellbeing... our safety... and our quality of life.
No one else can fix us, anymore than we can fix someone else.
When we stop and take inventory of our lives… look at what’s working and what’s not and then take responsibility for fixing the things we’d like to improve…
That’s when we stop being a victim and become empowered!
I have a program that’s called the WISE™ Woman’s Blueprint… (WISE™ stands for using our WISDOM, INTUITION, and inner STRENGTH to become EMPOWERED).
When we’re waiting for someone or something outside of us to change so we can be happy, we’re totally disempowered with no control in our lives.
But when we take responsibility for our happiness and our quality of life… then we become empowered and our emotional state is no longer whipped around by the actions of others.
And at the same time, we let the people we love… not just the addicts in our lives, but everyone around us… take responsibility for their lives, as well.
And you know what? When we stop trying to control everyone else’s life and focus all of our attention on ourselves… on our hopes and dreams… our vision for our lives… our goals… we free up a ton of mental and physical energy!
Extra energy and focus we need to create the life we want… it’s a win/win for everyone!
Please remember… you matter and you deserve to be happy... regardless of anyone's else's actions or situation!
XOXO
Alannah
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